Riri · what i think

I’m lost but I’m hopeful

Do you ever feel lost?

Do you ever feel tired?

Do you ever feel abandoned, almost?

Do you ever feel unmotivated?

alone in a crowded room?

dark cloud overhead?

breath 

remember how it feels

to let go and try to walk away

I found last Sunday message from the church was so relatable. Nothing of particular events that reminded me of the story that father Michael have shared, about how he was lost in the carnival that he visited with his family when he was a wee boy. I remember when I was little, I look up to my aunts a lot. Me and my late brother always have been so closed with both of 2 younger sister that my mom has. Almost every day they would pick me up from school, and if no homework or extra lesson, they would bring us to the mall for lunch or shopping. Me being the youngest and the impatient ones always fancy being lost in the middle of clothing racks or discover a new way to go to toilet or sometimes I can find myself being acquittance with the sales lady or discover the new happening place in the mall, when both of my aunts busy trying on clothes and having my brother occupied by bringing their shopping bags. There was more than several occasions they have to get help from the security guard for help to search for me – as I was nowhere to be found. But, most of the time I was the one who found them first rather the security guard found me. After few times they just wait for me to find them, instead of going through all the hassled to try to find me. LOL. Sweet memories!

One of the most helpless feelings I have ever faced was when I lost something important to me, but could not go looking for it. What was it that I lost? It was not like that I got lost while looking for my aunts and brother or driving around to find my destinations or looking frantically for my keys, remote or my phone. No, I lost myself. I lost who I was as a person, my goals, my dreams, my values, my beliefs. There were times when I felt like I was by myself, looking into my brain, and saying, “Who is this person? I don’t recognize her. She has no connection with her past nor plans for the future. What is she thinking next?” There was a time when I first introduced to Facebook and a mandatory column to be filled was “about me”, and the best I could come up with was: Ask me questions, maybe we can figure it out together.

My relationship with my family and friends are the most intimate I have. Somehow, I feel that I have lost myself as a result of getting in the relationship with Jesus. I have always been famous for asking too much of detailed questions, the history and the why. I took a stance with having to have a relationship with someone when I have enough pieces of information and done a background check on this someone. The problem with doing this, however, was that I ended up losing some of my definitions of my identity and persuasions. I have never seen, touch, having two ways conversation with Him, to be honest, that was frustrated me the most. I have so many questions that I want to ask, not through the priest or having to decipher what his disciples wrote about Him.

Last Sunday sermon, I was once again reminded to revisit and re-asses my relationship with Jesus. I see restoration and healing entering my relationships. I no longer feel like I’m lost. I can be curious again and to sustain my relationship with Him. Despite my intimate relationship with family and friends can be distance due to countless different reasons, but my relationship with Him is convenience. No excuses of being too busy, too far, too expensive, everything you need to know is already been written and waiting for me to devour.

Reading and writing not always work for everyone who feels lost, but it has always been something that brought me peace, joy and a sense of direction. One of the purposes having this blog is a way to keep myself checked and able to share my thinking process so I (hopefully) no longer feel lost.

Do you sometimes feel lost? So did I. and still do time to times. I have discovered that the best thing to do is sit down, breath, and wait for the light to arrive and hope to appear.

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