life · Riri · what i think

Fixer upper

So I have had plans to be on my best self this month. I have had this beautifully planned out calendar with every intention to be happy and be the self-content every single day, no matter what. The intentions were to be that person that capable to spread positive energy towards others, by being the better version of myself. Sometimes I got thrown off by my intentions, sometimes situations were not being conducive, sometimes what you have planned initially won’t go as smooth as you planned, life happens. Things happen.

My priorities of being that person, no longer my priorities because some required making me the bad guys and step in as big bad wolf. Things can feel heavy and debilitating. Things can make me feel to just want to run from them. This is me this year, months and weeks ago. I was frustrated and ready to just fold inward under the weight of the mix between business and life. All because some positive and exciting intentions and plans didn’t go as I had hoped. I like to believe that even Mother Theresa or Beyonce might have days that get the better of them. I am not that strong or at least not yet.

I told my husband the other day during our flight on the way back to Singapore, that I thought being in my 30s, I’ve should be able to figure out that I can do, whatever I want. He replied, you cannot do it all. I would love to be able to make decisions about the rewards in our work at the end of the day. Let it be financial secured, feeling content or just enjoying the nice warm bath by the end of the day. I told my husband that I promised myself to end this year feeling satisfied and fulfilled in this beautiful life we are in, no matter what.

If anything in the beginning of this past years has taught me that sometimes our best-laid plans are ruined and shaken not because something that we have planned went wrong, but because we weren’t ready for it. We needed to be slapped with the harsh reality in order for us to do that little more work on ourselves so we could be better in our heart and soul for the preparation to accept beautiful things to come.

Now I find myself embarrassed to say how I used to feel that I have figured everything out and when things go against what I have planned, I really didn’t. The freedom, the dream, the rainbow after storm, the good things always happen to good people, the happy are those who believe without seeing; may not always come to me instantly. I understand that I have to be mindful of my fear as well. The work, planning, the chasing, the intentions are truly never finish.

It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you  might as well not have lived at all – in which case you fail by default – JK Rowling

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